SWEENEY TODD: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by starry night blue
Summary: Did you happen to order a SWEENEY TODD unit from our catalogue, and are worried that you might not be able to get it to function? Not to worry! We're sending you this guide along with your order!


**D/C: I don't own Sweeny Todd. I don't even own the concept of this story - it belongs to the brilliant Theresa Green. **

**Hello! Here's another of my infamous manuals! (grins) I've watched Sweeney Todd about three times now, and I've been suffering from a case of Writer's Block, and I was desperate for something different to write, and this idea just clicked! Anyway, I hope you have as much fun reading this as I had writing it! Happy reading!!**

**SWEENEY TODD: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

_Congratulations!! _You are now the proud owner of the fully-automated SWEENEY TODD unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your English barber, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

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**Basic Information:**

**Name: **Sweeney Todd (a.k.a. Mr. T, Benjamin Barker, Demon Barber of Fleet Street)

**Date of Manufacture: **Unknown.

**Place of Manufacture: **London, United Kingdom.

**Age: **Unknown.

**Height: **Relatively tall.

**Weight: **Not very heavy.

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**Your SWEENEY TODD unit comes with the following accessories: **

Five sterling silver straight razors with open blades.

Leather jacket.

Shaving brush.

Shaving cream.

Photo frame.

Barber chair.

Empty trunk.

A Special Extra: A Soundtrack CD of your unit's most celebrated songs, including "No Place Like London", "The Barber and His Wife", "My Friends", etc.

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**Unpacking Your Unit:**

When you first open the box containing your SWEENEY TODD unit, you will notice that he looks rather pale and haunted. Don't worry about it, and do not think that we've sent you an ill version - it's just because your unit had spent fifteen years in exile, and you can't expect someone like that to return all plump and fresh, now can you?

Be careful not to manhandle your unit in any way - otherwise he might get irritated and might just slit your throat.

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**Programming:**

The SWEENEY TODD unit is a very mysterious and vengeful character. He goes by the motto, "Never forget, never forgive", and he wishes to rid London (or the world) of the corrupt aristocracy that invades it. If coaxed in the right way, the SWEENEY TODD unit will perform as follows:

**Barber: **The SWEENEY TODD unit happens to be one of the best barbers in the whole of London. He can give the cleanest and quickest shaves around, without spilling a single drop of blood...unless he means to, of course. Set up a shop for him somewhere, and watch the money rain on you! Of course, be sure to set up a policy which ensures that men have to come along with their families to shave, or else you're going to be forced to hide bodies in your basement.

**Singer: **This unit possesses a surprisingly good singing voice! He has various voice tones, ranging from a soft, sorrowful one to an angry, roaring timbre. Do you have any school musical and in desperate of someone to take the leading role? Do you need a last-minute performer for your night club? SWEENEY TODD is the perfect unit for this job! Who knows, his singing might even make records, and then you'll be raking in fame and money!

**Assassin: **Is there someone you need to have "sorted out"? The SWEENEY TODD unit happens to be a professional assassin. He uses his razors to slit his victims' throats, giving them an instant death...usually. It would help if you told your unit that the person you wish to get assassinated is socially-corrupted, as this would give him more of a motive to perform the murder. Please bear in mind that the SWEENEY TODD unit will require a quick shower and clean clothes when done, as his methods are rather messy.

**Carpenter: **Do you have any piece of furniture that you need to have fixed, or else have some extra utilities added to it? The SWEENEY TODD unit is the man for the job. Give him the tools, and he will successfully repair it. He can turn a simple chair into a lounger, and can create shafts and trapdoors when there were none, and much more!

**-**

**Your SWEENEY TODD unit will come with three different modes:**

Brooding (default)

Angry

Wistful

Please note that the Brooding setting is entirely different from the Angry setting, no matter how similar they may appear to you. In the Brooding setting, the SWEENEY TODD is found morose and sulking, and mostly thinking about a way to take revenge. He tends to be rather quiet and distant in that setting, and will mostly ignore you if you speak. In the Angry setting, the SWEENEY TODD unit will most likely be roaring and attacking and killing people, or finally having vengeance.

In the Wistful setting, the SWEENEY TODD will be most likely reminiscing over the old days when he and his wife were together and they had a little baby girl. It should wear out soon enough, once he slits someone's throat.

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**Relations With Other Units:**

**MRS. LOVETT: **(also known as MRS. NELLIE LOVETT) This unit is the cheery and chatty shopkeeper, whose shop is just below the apartment of your SWEENEY TODD unit. She wishes to be more than just a tenant to your SWEENEY TODD unit, and she would even deceive them to get her hands on him. She makes the worst pies in the whole of London - do not let your unit have any of them unless you want him down with a deadly illness. The MRS. LOVETT unit is indirectly the reason why the SWEENEY TODD unit turns into a mass murderer.

**JUDGE TURPIN: **The JUDGE TURPIN is your unit's loathed enemy. He is the one who sent your SWEENEY TODD unit to the penal colonies in Australia for fifteen years on false charges, just because he lusted for your unit's wife, LUCY BARKER. Because of him, the LUCY BARKER unit really became barking (pun intended) after she became subject to rape, trying to poison herself but failing and just becoming insane. He then claimed your unit's daughter, JOHANNA BARKER as his own. The SWEENEY TODD unit will not rest until he kills this unit. If possible, try to make sure interaction occurs between these two units, so that you'd get over with the revenge issue as soon as possible.

**BEGGAR WOMAN/LUCY BARKER: **LUCY BARKER is the wife of the SWEENEY TODD unit. As LUCY BARKER, she was a beautiful woman, charming and kind, and had a daughter by the name of JOHANNA BARKER. After the SWEENEY TODD was sent away, she wouldn't give in to JUDGE TURPIN's wooing, and in the end was raped by him. This led her to try and poison herself, but the poison didn't kill her, and turned her into the crazy BEGGAR WOMAN, who has a filthy tongue, and senses something evil going around the shop of MRS. LOVETT, but her cries go unheeded. If interaction occurs between the BEGGAR WOMAN and the SWEENEY TODD unit, make sure that he takes a good look into her face...and keep all his razors out of reach.

**JOHANNA BARKER: **This unit happens to be the beautiful daughter of the SWEENEY TODD unit. After he had been exiled and her mother had supposedly died, the JUDGE TURPIN unit took her under his ward. She is locked in his house and is prevented by him from going outside or seeing anybody, which in the end causes her to run away with the ANTHONY HOPE unit.

**-**

**Other Unit Interactions:**

**BEADLE BAMFORD: **This unit is JUDGE TURPIN's accomplice in all his crimes. He is the _route _your SWEENEY TODD uses as a way to get the JUDGE TURPIN unit to come over to his shop. Your unit hates him, as he had helped send him to exile, and helped lead the LUCY BARKER unit into the hands of JUDGE TURNIP. He is a foolish man, and is generally deceived by appearances, good words and free offers.

**ANTHONY HOPE: **This unit befriended the SWEENEY TODD unit on his journey back home from Australia. He falls in love with your unit's daughter, the JOHANNA BARKER unit and intends to woo her and take her away from JUDGE TURPIN. He seeks the help of SWEENEY TODD, which really consequently helps SWEENEY TODD with his revenge. The ANTHONY HOPE unit trusts your unit completely, unaware that he will probably kill him after he fulfils his purpose in the plan to seek revenge.

**TOBIAS (TOBY) RAGG: **This unit should be avoided at all costs, because he will eventually cause your unit's demise! The TOBY unit used to work for the ADOLFO PIRELLI unit, before moving to work with MRS. LOVETT, whom he really likes. He does not trust your SWEENEY TODD unit at all, and when MRS. LOVETT and your unit sense that, they decide to kill him. Although, in the end, crazed and beyond grief, TOBY slits the SWEENEY TODD's throat...this is why he MUST be avoided!

**ADOLFO PIRELLI: **This unit is the first victim in a series of victims. He is originally called DANNY O'HIGGINS, and used to be an assistant in BENJAMIN BARKER's shop. He recognizes SWEENEY TODD for who he used to be, and blackmails him...which doesn't work well for him as he ends up being bludgeoned, and then has his throat slit, and his money pouch taken. _Poor thing!_

**-**

**Cleaning:**

Your SWEENEY TODD unit is fully capable of cleaning himself, once introduced to the wonders of modern day plumbing. If you're having him murder people, then trust that he's going to be needing baths often, as his murders aren't as clean as his shaves. Do not be intimidated if you see him covered in blood, and just guide him discreetly to the washroom.

The SWEENEY TODD unit is also capable of drying himself properly, once you provide him with clean towels. However, if there should be any programming failure, you'll be required to rub the SWEENEY TODD unit dry with a towel. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not tumble-dry unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not hang unit on the clothes' line to dry; he will not appreciate it.

Also, please note that the SWEENEY TODD unit regularly shaves his own beard, and you will notice that he doesn't usually comb his hair.

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**Energy:**

Your SWEENEY TODD unit will settle for any food, as long as it's not a pie made by the MRS. LOVETT unit. He's usually looking peeved, so to regain the colour in his cheeks, you'll be required to give him three proper meals per day. Also, the SWEENEY TODD prefers to wash down his meals with a drink...ale, if at all possible.

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**Frequently Asked Questions:**

**Q: **Is the white strand in my SWEENEY TODD's hair natural?

**A: **Well, since you've asked, the answer is no. I mean, come on, it's obvious; can anyone have a single strand of white hair naturally? If you check his personal belongings, you will actually find a bottle of bleacher in there. Mystery is solved.

**Q: **Umm...not meaning to be a bother, but I think I got sent the wrong unit. I opened the box and found a young, pleasant-faced gentleman who looks a lot like the person on the SWEENEY TODD unit posters, but...well; he's not just the same! What gives?

**A: **I think I know what unit has been sent to you. This is the BENJAMIN BARKER unit. It's still a prototype; we've been trying to create the character that the SWEENEY TODD unit was fifteen years ago. He's supposed to be caring, gentle and very kind and naive, but he's still in testing; we're not sure the public will accept him. Anyway, if you like your BENJAMIN BARKER unit, then you are free to keep him, but we're not responsible if any errors should occur with him, and you automatically lose his warranty. However, if you wish to get your SWEENEY TODD unit, then send us the BENJAMIN BARKER unit, and we'll ship you the SWEENEY TODD unit - free of charge!!

**Q: **Umm...well, my SWEENEY TODD unit keeps making fun of the oils and conditioners I use on my hair, and sometimes he says they've been concocted from...well, piss! What should I do to convince him otherwise? Or wait, is he _right?_

**A: **No, he's not right...unless, of course, you're using Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, in which case you've really been washing your hair with piss. If not, then...well, just don't let your unit see you use the conditioner or oil, or use some fragrance-free products! Anyway, what's your unit doing poking around your shampoos or sniffing your hair, eh?

**Q: **My unit is asking me why I do not have an old-fashioned baking oven in the house. I've showed him my regular oven, which he opened and looked inside and said, "No, 'tis too small". What gives?

**A: **Well, don't panic, but we think that your SWEENEY TODD unit probably wants to kill you by burning you in an oven. To avoid any casualties, go and ask JUDGE TURPIN for his help. No, we're not kidding. JUDGE TURPIN will exile your unit, giving you enough time to change identities, move towns and hide.

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**Troubleshooting:**

**Problem: **The SWEENEY TODD unit is refusing to eat meat pies.

**Solution: **Your unit probably won't eat any meat pies unless he knows exactly where the meat in them has come from, considering his horrible experience with MRS. LOVETT's meat pies. To solve the problem, take the SWEENEY TODD unit to see where you're getting your meat from, and then let him stand watch while you make the pies. If he still doesn't eat the pies after your demonstration, then he has probably become a vegetarian.

**Problem: **A foul smell has been wafting up to you through the floorboards.

**Solution: **Do you have sewer problems? You'd better hope you do, because if not, then know that the foul smells are probably because there's a whole heap of bodies in your basement. We did mention that your SWEENEY TODD unit has a slitting-throats fetish, didn't we?

**Problem: **People have not been approaching your unit's barber shop.

**Solution: **Uh-oh. It seems that people have started realising that more people are going into your SWEENEY TODD's shop rather than those coming out, and have started having suspicions about him. If that's not the case, then they've probably started heeding the BEGGAR WOMAN's cries and claims. What you should do is get your unit out of town as soon as possible, before authorities come to investigate.

**Problem: **Your teapot is dented.

**Solution: **It seems that your SWEENEY TODD unit has yet to figure out that using his sterling silver razors is the easiest way to kill people, and will use a teapot to bludgeon folks to death with it, before he realizes that it takes too much effort and learns to take a new approach. Until then, buy a new teapot, love.

**Problem: **Your unit has returned home with sand in his shoes and clothes.

**Solution: **Not to worry, not to worry. Apparently, he's just been dragged off to the beach by the MRS. LOVETT unit. Just have him cleaned up and problem is solved. And look at him! Doesn't the tan work wonders for your SWEENEY TODD unit?

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**Warranty:**

With proper care and maintenance, your SWEENEY TODD unit will live for a good years to come...if kept away from the TOBY unit, in which case you should start checking graveyards for a proper grave. If for some reason you can't stand having a certain demon barber under your roof, then simply tell him that there's another town or city which is corrupted with aristocrats and "people who put their feet in other people's face", and he'll be off in no time!

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**A/N: Well, I'm done! Phew! I can't believe I finished this whole thing in one sit-down! How did you like it? Was it good? Did I pay the characters their due, or did I miss anything out? Anyway, if you did like it, then would you please be a dear and review? I'd really appreciate the booster! (smiles)**

_- S. N. B. _


End file.
